we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
