hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
