420 ftw
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
