South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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