What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
