i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize