Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
