My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
