Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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