I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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