We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
