Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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