I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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