I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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