Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
