I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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