I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
