If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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