that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
time to smoke my breakfast
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
