I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
