I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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