So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
