Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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