I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
