Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
