rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
