so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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