Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i came on her dog
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
