My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
