The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
