Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just want nice things and good sex
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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