I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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