If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
