$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
