Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
