i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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