I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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