What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Enjoy the penises
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
