I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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