I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
