1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
