I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
