let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
