I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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