3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
