Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
