I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
