So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
