I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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