God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need to align my fucking chakras
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
