grandma shit on top of the toilet
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
