I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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