I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Operation Purity has been aborted
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Randomize
