If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
