I need help removing her.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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