so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
