The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize