Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
