i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
