go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My Higher Power is John Stamos
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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