either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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