Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
