She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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