I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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