I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize