A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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