I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize