I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
