Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
