I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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