so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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