I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
