apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
