Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize