Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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