I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
