Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
